I need a man's opinion - Talk About Marriage

The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

Today, 03:29 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Nov 2012 Posts: 4	I apologize in advance for the long post, considering this is my first time posting, but I really need a man's opinion on my concern. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. We have been together for 10 years, since he was 17 and I was 18. We met online and talked for over a year before we met in person. When we first met there was an instant connection and for 3 years we made our relationship work by seeing each other twice a year until we decided to move in together. We have lived together now for 6 years and we have a 4 1/2 year old together (our only child). So now my concern. When we first lived together of course we had our freedom to go out when we wanted and all that fun stuff. The sex was great and we would have sex anywhere between 2 to 3 times a day, 3 to 4 times a week. Once I got pregnant, of course that changed and we still have sex about 2 to 3 times a week, granted one week off a month. Lately, for the past 4 months, I've felt like there is a change in our relationship. A couple of weeks ago my wifi wasn't working right and I needed to download a file for one of my classes (I'm taking online classes through a community college) so I got onto my husband's computer to see if the file would download. Once it did I went into his "downloads" folder and noticed there were about 8-10 porn videos, the names ranging from virgin 18 year olds, gangbangs, and a couple of cougar type videos. It kind of bugs me and I've expressed my concern before how I felt about him watching porn and how it makes me feel insecure because I do not look like those women in the videos. Also, there are times when he will openly tell me he is going to masturbate and when I offer myself to him 98% of the time he refuses and says something like, "I don't want to have sex. I'm not in the mood and I'd rather masturbate just so I can cum faster." What the heck does that even mean? Does it mean that he'd rather look at those beautiful women than to look at me? I know I'm not pretty and I'm not skinny like porn stars, but I just feel like he doesn't want me anymore. There are times when I tell him how I feel and he tells me things like, "You are beautiful to me. I like the way your body looks. I'm not ever going to leave you for someone else and I do love you." I feel like he just tells me those things because he's invested so much time into our relationship/marriage and we have a child together that it's just too difficult to start over with someone else so he's just settling for me. I have major insecurity issues with myself, hardly any that I let him know about, from past relationships of my boyfriends telling me I'm not pretty enough or I'm too fat, even when I lost a lot of weight and was a size 8 in high school. I just feel like our relationship is just two people who are together because we have a child together and that he doesn't find me attractive since he chooses to masturbate at least twice a day rather than have sex with me, which I am willing and offer to do most of the work. I just feel like he doesn't want me anymore and I don't know what to do to bring that "want" between us again. And I also feels he just tells me those things that he finds me attractive just to shut me up. I just need a man's honest opinion on what's going on here and what I can do so my husband will want me more over than masturbating.
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Today, 03:49 PM	? #2 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 1,113	The sooner women understand that they're not in competition with porn and masturnation (under most circumstances), the better. If a man wants to jack off, he wants to jack off. Masturnation is something the vast majority of guys have been doing since long before they got laid. For a lot of us having a tug, with or without porn, is no different than you enjoying a trip to the manicurist, a romance novel, or your own private time with the rabbit, magic wand, or other clitastic machine. On a personal note I've had sex three times this week already, and still found time to enjoy some self indulgence; one has nothing to do with the other. Men masturbate for reasons that often have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Women would be so, so, so much better off if they let this sink in. Your poor self image is your problem. It existed before you even met this man. Him not watching porn and masturbating isn't going to magically make you a secure, confident woman. That's soul, mind, and body work that you need to do for your own sake, regardless of your romantic entanglements.
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Today, 05:18 PM	? #7 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 1,113	Quote: She also says this You don't think that's a problem jaquen??? Not when she stated that they have sex 2-3 times a week, since the pregnancy, and never once suggested that was too infrequent for her. The way the story reads, from my view anyway, is that she was perfectly fine with their pretty frequent sex, found out he looks at porn and masturbates, and let that send her on a tail spin of insecurity and paranoia. What does it matter how many times he masturbates if, prior to finding out about the porn, she was fine with their 2-3 times a week? What's fascinating is that she knows her husband is very HD. She said they were having sex 2-3 times A DAY before the baby. Is it then shocking if, after the child, they have it less, but he still has that HD need to release a few times a day? Why would she then be shocked that her known HD husband is having sex with her and masturbating a lot? Last edited by jaquen; Today at 05:28 PM.
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Today, 05:48 PM	? #11 (permalink)
Forum Supporter ? Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: New Mexico Posts: 5,739	Quote: The sooner women understand that they're not in competition with porn and masturnation (under most circumstances), the better. If a man wants to jack off, he wants to jack off. Masturnation is something the vast majority of guys have been doing since long before they got laid. For a lot of us having a tug, with or without porn, is no different than you enjoying a trip to the manicurist, a romance novel, or your own private time with the rabbit, magic wand, or other clitastic machine. On a personal note I've had sex three times this week already, and still found time to enjoy some self indulgence; one has nothing to do with the other. Men masturbate for reasons that often have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Women would be so, so, so much better off if they let this sink in. Your poor self image is your problem. It existed before you even met this man. Him not watching porn and masturbating isn't going to magically make you a secure, confident woman. That's soul, mind, and body work that you need to do for your own sake, regardless of your romantic entanglements. I think that you missed her major point... she tells him that SHE wants to have sex with him and he say so no, he's rather jerk off. If she was getting the sex she wanted, then he masterbated beyond that it would be a completely different issue.
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Today, 05:49 PM	? #12 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 1,113	Quote: Even if that is the case, I am not convinced that masturbating 2-3 times a day when you have a willing wife isn't a problem. 2-3 times a week, sure, but 2-3 times a DAY? Isn't that a tad bit excessive? Excessive depends on the man. There is no universal definition for "excessive". If a man can masturbate, and still fulfill his wife's sexual needs and desires, that's what matters. Me? There have been times when I masturbated up to four or five times in a single day, and still made love to my wife. My best friends think that's insane, and they could never do that. What would be excessive for them, is not for me. And there are plenty of times when I go totally without for weeks on end. I am of the belief that a man's masturbation time is none of his wife's business. My wife wouldn't even dare try and curb my masturbation time. It's only her business if it's interfering in our sex life. Quote: I think that you missed her major point... she tells him that SHE wants to have sex with him and he say so no, he's rather jerk off. Nope, didn't miss that. She never mentioned that she wanted more sex prior to finding out about her husband's porn. Never said that the 2-3 times a week they have sex was unsatisfactory for her. What she did mention was that she started to offer more sex AFTER she found out about the porn and masturbation. That, to me, isn't a genuine desire for more sex; that's a manipulative bid to get him to stop masturbating by offering up your body out of desperation, from a threatened place. I wouldn't take my wife up on that at all. That's what I got. Hopefully the OP comes back to clarify.
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Today, 05:50 PM	? #13 (permalink)
Forum Supporter ? Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: New Mexico Posts: 5,739	She clearly states that he turns her down 98% of the time and says he's rather masterbate. That is the issue here. Quote: I apologize in advance for the long post, considering this is my first time posting, but I really need a man's opinion on my concern. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. We have been together for 10 years, since he was 17 and I was 18. We met online and talked for over a year before we met in person. When we first met there was an instant connection and for 3 years we made our relationship work by seeing each other twice a year until we decided to move in together. We have lived together now for 6 years and we have a 4 1/2 year old together (our only child). So now my concern. When we first lived together of course we had our freedom to go out when we wanted and all that fun stuff. The sex was great and we would have sex anywhere between 2 to 3 times a day, 3 to 4 times a week. Once I got pregnant, of course that changed and we still have sex about 2 to 3 times a week, granted one week off a month. Lately, for the past 4 months, I've felt like there is a change in our relationship. A couple of weeks ago my wifi wasn't working right and I needed to download a file for one of my classes (I'm taking online classes through a community college) so I got onto my husband's computer to see if the file would download. Once it did I went into his "downloads" folder and noticed there were about 8-10 porn videos, the names ranging from virgin 18 year olds, gangbangs, and a couple of cougar type videos. It kind of bugs me and I've expressed my concern before how I felt about him watching porn and how it makes me feel insecure because I do not look like those women in the videos. Also, there are times when he will openly tell me he is going to masturbate and when I offer myself to him 98% of the time he refuses and says something like, "I don't want to have sex. I'm not in the mood and I'd rather masturbate just so I can cum faster." What the heck does that even mean? Does it mean that he'd rather look at those beautiful women than to look at me? I know I'm not pretty and I'm not skinny like porn stars, but I just feel like he doesn't want me anymore. There are times when I tell him how I feel and he tells me things like, "You are beautiful to me. I like the way your body looks. I'm not ever going to leave you for someone else and I do love you." I feel like he just tells me those things because he's invested so much time into our relationship/marriage and we have a child together that it's just too difficult to start over with someone else so he's just settling for me. I have major insecurity issues with myself, hardly any that I let him know about, from past relationships of my boyfriends telling me I'm not pretty enough or I'm too fat, even when I lost a lot of weight and was a size 8 in high school. I just feel like our relationship is just two people who are together because we have a child together and that he doesn't find me attractive since he chooses to masturbate at least twice a day rather than have sex with me, which I am willing and offer to do most of the work. I just feel like he doesn't want me anymore and I don't know what to do to bring that "want" between us again. And I also feels he just tells me those things that he finds me attractive just to shut me up. I just need a man's honest opinion on what's going on here and what I can do so my husband will want me more over than masturbating.
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Today, 05:58 PM	? #14 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 1,113	Quote: She clearly states that he turns her down 98% of the time and says he's rather masterbate. That is the issue here. Nope. She didn't say 98% of the time he turns her down for sex in general. She said that he turns her down 98% of the time during those times when he announces first that he intents to masturbate. That's like: Me: Hey babe, I'm gonna watch the football game. Wife: Really? Don't you want to watch Once Upon a Time With me? Me: Nope. I planned to watch the game, and I'm gonna watch the game. And then my wife running on here and crying "98% of the time I ask him to watch TV he turns me down! He never wants to watch TV with me!".
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Today, 06:07 PM	? #15 (permalink)
Forum Supporter ? Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: New Mexico Posts: 5,739	Quote: Nope. She didn't say 98% of the time he turns her down for sex in general. She said that he turns her down 98% of the time during those times when he announces first that he intents to masturbate. That's like: Me: Hey babe, I'm gonna watch the football game. Wife: Really? Don't you want to watch Once Upon a Time With me? Me: Nope. I planned to watch the game, and I'm gonna watch the game. And then my wife running on here and crying "98% of the time I ask him to watch TV he turns me down! He never wants to watch TV with me!". Yea we need her to clarify. She did say that things have changed in the last 4 months. It would also be good to know what has changed. I think that most women would feel very hurt if they offered sex in stead of masterbation and their husband refused. I also think that most men would feel the same were it the other way around.
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